No Dogs Go To Heaven

By: Jacob Lewis

I was looking at possible children’s movies for movie night tonight and I ran across All Dogs go to Heaven. I’ve never seen the movie, so perhaps someone could answer this question to me. Is the title’s promise, that all dogs will go to heaven meant to imply that a dog, having no understanding of sin, will always go to heaven since no action they can take is knowingly sinful? In the alternative, is the title implying that there is no doggy equivalent of Eve, and therefore no original doggy sin, allowing all dogs to go to heaven since they are not born sinful. Both of these theories fly in the face of established religious sentiment that dogs do not have souls and are not allowed to dwell within the kingdom of the lord. Of course, “No Dogs go to Heaven” doesn’t sound like it would be a very marketable title in most circles.

Also, I vaguely remember from the movie trailers from my youth that there was a doggy Devil in this movie. Putting aside that, unless doggy Devil rules over a vast empty wasteland, the whole title of the movie is a lie, this only raises more questions. Is doggy Devil an aspect of the Devil that is perceived as a Dog by the doggy beholders. If a mouse died would the Devil be perceived as a mouse Devil? Panda Devil? Tree Devil? Again, this flies in the face of religious beliefs as both man and angels are supposed to be created in God’s image, making them the base form of all heavenly creatures. In the alternative, is there just a parallel doggy Deity whose acts mirrored people God. Did doggy God and his doggy Angels cast doggy Lucifer out of doggy Heaven, where he fell to earth and formed doggy Hell (Pan-Canus-Demonium). If that’s the case, does every animal have their own parallel creator or, for no explainable reason, is it just the two? If it is, do other animals just cease to be when they die while Humans and Dogs transcend to eternal bliss or damnation.

Also, if there are parallel doggy and people creators, and everything is mirrored, there WAS probably a doggy Eve, making my first theory on the meaning of the title incorrect. Also, is doggy God just as powerful as people God. Could doggy God create an object so heavy even people God couldn’t lift it? Come to think of it, there is only one creation, so which God created it? Did both of them, or is one of them just riding on the other’s coat tails.

Finally, if there is a separate Doggy creator, he  probably created a concept of doggy Sin, or else why have a doggy Hell. And doggy Creator probably wouldn’t create concepts of sin that Dog’s couldn’t understand (Do not covet thy neighbor’s wife!! What’s a wife?). So, there is probably special doggy sin that only they can understand. This negates my other theory for the title.

After pondering this for a few hours I came to the conclusion that this movie already makes no damn sense, and I haven’t even seen it yet. Check this one off the list.

I also ran across an animated Squirrel heist movie that came out a few years ago called “The Nut Job”. HOW DID THAT NAME GET PAST EVERYONE INVOLVED IN MARKETING THIS MOVIE!!!!!! I want to find them and pitch an animated movie about two Donkey’s who start their own Football team, called “Ass Play”.


Two equally thoughtful pieces on two movies I have never seen before and probably never will.

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