Go Dog! Go!: A Story of Sociopathy and Debauchery

By: Jacob Lewis

I have become obsessed with the book Go Dog Go,  but not because it provides some sort of meaning or joy in my life. Go Dog Go is the type of children’s’ book that is able to deftly balance being way too long with being an awful chore to read.

Also, it doesn’t make sense.

For example, the author of the book is obsessed with dogs in trees. I understand that the dogs are given anthropomorphic qualities (they drive cars, sleep in houses .etc), but every time I turn the page and see one of them perched on a branch I want to scream, “DOGS DON’T CLIMB TREES!!! WHY ARE ALL THESE FUCKING DOGS IN TREES ALL THE TIME!!!”

In another instance, the author describes a “dog party at night”, which consists of three dogs on a row boat, with one banjo, one checker board and one lollipop, making it officially the worst party ever.

Look at it. Who would go to this party? Banjos are awful, checkers is dumb and there aren’t enough lolipops to share with all the guests. If two of the dogs were underage I would just assume that they had been lured in by the cheapest and least imaginative pedophile ever.

All that aside, my obsession with Go Dog Go  revolves around its ending, which is clearly a lesson on how to hook up with someone by lowering their self-esteem. If you’ve read the book before, you know there are two consistent characters: female dog with hat, and male dog who hates hats. These dogs meet several times throughout the story and each time the female dog asks the male dog some variation of “Do you like my new hat.” Each time the male dog responds with a variation of, “I do not, goodbye.”

Now, to be fair to the male dog, her hats are awful and she should be ashamed to wear them. However, I cannot ignore the sociopathic way that the male dog dismisses her choice in head wear, and then casually moves on. A normal person would complement her hat, and then make fun of it behind her back, or post a picture of it to Facebook with a funny caption (e.g. “CHICK WITH STUPID HAT, LOLOLOLOL!!!!” – Brilliant comedian).

The male dog’s plans become clear when, at the very end of the story, for no reason whatsoever, all the dogs drive to a dog party. The dog party is in a huge tree and is filled with games, cake, acrobatics, cannons and gifts.

Wait, side note: Once again we see Go Dog! Go!  showing us dogs just hanging out in trees, as if its their natural habitat. Also, why are all the dogs bringing gifts to the party? It’s not a birthday party. Are the gifts for the owner? Who owns a tree? In fact, all of this looks more like a rave than normal celebration.

Stupid tree dwelling raver dogs.

Okay, back on track now. In the final pages of the book, we once again see the male dog and the female dog together.

As you can see, the female dog is wearing a multi-layer streamer and flag filled party hat and she asks the male dog if he likes her new party hat. He finally responds with, “I do, I do like that party hat”, and the two drive away together. Happy Ending!

…or is it?

To truly understand the undertone of this ending you must first notice a few things:

1. The female dog is already leaving the party when she speaks to the male dog and we can infer she has been there for a while.

2. The female dog looks a little too happy as she leaves the party and we should infer she is intoxicated.

3. The male dog is not just running into female dog as she leaves the party. They are already planning to leave together (Note: When he compliments her hat, he is already holding the door open for her and has parked his car right by the ladder).

4. The female dog’s hat is objectively awful and supports the theory that she is intoxicated and that male dog is, for the first time, lieing to her about her appearance.

What the reader is witnessing is the male dog’s final move in a long chess game of destroying the female dog’s self-esteem. The two dogs obviously hang out in similar circles and run into each other often (on the street, on the ski slope, in fucking trees). Each time they meet he refuses to give her the compliments on her clothing that she so craves. Now, at this giant dog party, the two dogs obviously meet at some point during the festivities. The female dog still craves his attention and tries to get just a single syllable of praise from him. She approaches him and what happens during the following conversation is unknown.

What we do know is that afterwards she decides to leave the party with him, all the while asking him if he likes her hat. They drive off into the sunset; female dog happy at finally being complimented on her awful hats and not even bothering to think about the coincidence that the male dog’s complimentary remarks should coincide with her getting drunk at a party.

What happens next to the female dog is sadly omitted from the book. At best, those last few pages would have shown the female dog being asked to leave the male dog’s apartment at about 6:00 in the morning so he can “get to work” with a promise to call her later. She walks down the sidewalk alone, her new hat smooshed to pieces from being slammed into the head board of the Male dogs bed, regretting her decisions in life with each step she takes back to her home, apartment or tree. At worst though, the final page would have shown the male dog prancing in front of a mirror wearing his fabulous new party hat and full body female dog fur coat.

What does this all mean? Go Dog Go  is teaching our children the wrong lessons. You don’t hurt another person’s self-esteem for your own foul purposes. You don’t go home with someone who treats you like crap.

Also, Dogs don’t live in fucking trees and you don’t bring presents to a party for no god damn reason. Hear that Go Dog Go? Things like this are why people don’t think dogs have souls.

And on that note, please feel free to buy this book on Amazon so that I can use the proceeds to complete my device. Then, and only then, will I be able to kill Superman.

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