Frozen: The Downfall of the Regime

By: Jacob Lewis

Juliet picked a Frozen chapter book from the library last week and I have been reading her a chapter a night. The book is not a novelization of the movie and tells the further adventures of Anna and Else as they…try to find out who Elsa’s secret admirer is. Thankfully, the chapters are short and, since Juliet has never heard this story before, can be surreptitiously shortened further by paraphrasing entire paragraphs into single sentences.

While the book is understandably¬†terrible, its not meant for people of my age and maturity level (Advanced!!!). However, once the lights go off and Juliet is asleep, I can’t help but think about the ridiculousness of this particular Disney princess kingdom. The book starts out with the sisters and Olaf having a picnic and playing hide and seek. Olaf, the scamp, manages to lose his carrot nose and everyone has to look for it. A good laugh is had by all. However, isn’t Elsa 21 fucking years old. Isn’t Anna 18 fucking years old. Why the fuck are they playing hide and seek all day like they’re both fucking 5. These are grown ass women, one of them is supposed to be in charge of the entire country and also has the god like power to create sentient snow life. Also, isn’t this supposed to take place in the 12th/13th century, weren’t people not so much into hide and seek at what was essentially middle age for them and more into just being happy they hadn’t died already from¬†the plague or in child birth. What is going on here!

After much thought on this subject my guess is that: 1) the sisters are figure heads and the real day to day operations are being managed by a counsel of advisers, who will one day supplant the royal family by executing them or forcing them to marrying their sons; 2) the sisters are living a blissfully ignorant and decadent Marie Antoinette lifestyle as their country crumbles around them, eventually sparking a bloody revolution; or 3) the sisters are living a blissfully aware decadent Marie Antoinette lifestyle as their country crumbles around them, relying on the fact that one of them is an all powerful elemental ice wizard to keep the local peasantry in fear. There are no other alternatives to these. However, I highly doubt that the book is going to delve into any of those areas. A man can dream though. A man can dream…and also just make up that part of the story in the final chapter. Juliet can’t read, what the hell does she know.

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