Crushed: The Story of the World’s Saddest Girl and Fattest Officer as Told in Six Images

By: Jacob Lewis

Last Tuesday was a pretty shitty traffic day in the city of Seattle. My normal 20-30 minute bus ride became a 2 hour affair. Also, I forgot my tablet at home and my cell phone was dead because, “Fuck you Jacob” said the universe. So I spent my time on the bus gazing out of the window as every 30 second we moved five feet and stopped, over and over again, for hours. However, about an hour and a half into my journey something unexpected happened, and it made the entire delay a truly worth wild experience. The frame of the bus window became a story board for a moment of real human drama. With each start and stop of the bus I was presented with a new image, driving the plot forward until its conclusion.

I will try to describe the scene to you as best I can, though I won’t succeed. It shouldn’t have been me who experienced it; it should have been a poet.

Begin Scene

Frame 1: A group of bystanders on the curb looking at something out of frame. They have their cell phones out. At least one of them is taking pictures.

Frame 2: The blue hood of a vehicle lies in the middle of the street, acting as a mere suggestion of what we are about to witness.

Frame 3: A blue vehicle sits motionless and askew on the side of the road. Its front has sustained severe damage from an unknown source. It is missing its hood.

Frame 3: A girl, of age 16 or 17, stands alone at the side of the road. She is sad, oh so very sad. She does not cry, but instead expresses a sadness one feels when reflecting on all the possibilities the near future will hold, with the knowledge that they will all be unpleasant.

Frame 4: A group of Seattle Police officers huddle around another officer. The officer at the center looks like he outweighs all of the men surrounding him, both individually and in total. He does not carry his weight well, and looks like a man who at one time was of human proportion, but has since brownied and big mac’ed his way into cartoon obesity. Life has done something to this man, although I know not what. The officer is relaying a message to his co-workers, taking a break every few minutes to rub the back of his bulbous neck with the palm of his hand. He too, looks very sad. He too is contemplating the joylessness that the near future holds, as well as a certain level of disdain for the man he has become.

Frame 5: A police cruiser rests at an angle on the sidewalk. It has suffered severe damage to its rear. The two back tires are flattened and the rear bumper sits detached a few feet away. The front of the vehicle is crushed against a tree. The wind blows a flurry of leaves that fall delicately on its mangled hood.

Frame 6: A single piece of nondescript metal sits by itself on the side of the road. Like all of us, alone.

Fin

Thank you, my mysterious saddest girl in the world. Thank you, my morbidly obese civil servant. Your tragedies have reminded me that sometimes life has the ability to present brief scenes of drama that carry beyond anything we could….OH MY GOD!!!! Leprechaun: Origins is available on Netflix Instant, like right now!!! When did this happen!!! My weekend has plans!!!!

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