We Don’t Understand How Guns Work and Everybody Around Us Has Been Dead for Years: A Magical Journey through the Land of Oz

By: Jacob Lewis

I saw the Wizard of Oz in theaters when it was re-released a little while ago. While I had seen the movie dozens of times when I was younger, seeing it for the first time in two decides allowed me to notice a lot of new and strange things:

The Scarecrow is Packing Heat, But Never Uses It

Near the end of the movie, Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man and Lion walk through the dark forest on their way to steal the Wicked Witch of the West’s broom. They are all brandishing weapons as they travel through the trees: The Tin Man has his axe; the Lion has a butterfly net; and the Scarecrow…has a pistol.

A pistol? There are so many questions here. Where the hell did he get a pistol? Did he get it in Oz? Why didn’t he get more for the others? Why doesn’t he ever use it? There were literally a hundred times that a pistol could have come in useful in their adventure. Flying Monkeys…BOOM! Apple throwing trees….POW! Lion……BLAMMO! Also, water might be top of the Wicked Witches’ secret weakness list, but I’m pretty sure bullets are on there somewhere. Do you know how I know this? Because everybody’s weakness is bullets. It’s a universal constant. However, the Scarecrow is, by musical admission, lacking in brains, so I can at least understand why can’t apply the gun’s utility to his current situation. What’s truly inexcusable is that,

The Munchkins Have an Army, But Never Use It

As soon as Dorothy arrives in OZ and crushes the Wicked Witch of the East, the Munchkins are freed from enslavement. This is good fortune for the Munchkins, because they are a peaceful people who had no chance of rebelling against her. Except…wait…what’s that marching around with Dorothy during the Ding Dong the Witch is Dead song? Why it an entire column of Munchkin soldiers. Soldiers with rifles and, presumably, bullets.

Well, you say, the Wicked Witches are far too powerful to be killed by the Munchkins.

Well to that I respond, “bullshit”.

When the Wicked Witch of the West arrives in Munchkin Land and tries to harm Dorothy, Glinda tells her that she has no power in this land and everyone laughs at her. You know what would be far more effective than laughing, a volley of bullets from the god damn Munchkin army. Jesus Christ, nobody in Oz seems to have the ability to connect the possession of guns with using them to harm and dominate others. Why even have them?

Oz is a Necropolis.

This is less an observation of the plot than it is a humorous aside. While watching the opening credits the only thing I could think of was, “all of these names belong to people who are dead.” Toto…Dead. Dorothy…Dead. Tin Man…Dead. Oz…Dead. All of them, in the ground, getting eaten by worms. Wait, do humorous and morbid mean the same things. Probably, but I’m not going to check.

Dorothy is Less of a Bitch than I Remember

Dorothy’s farewell to Scarecrow (.i.e “I think I’ll miss you most of all”) is one of the most dickish lines anyone has ever uttered to another human being. Announcing to your three friends that you will miss one of them more than the others is a true bitch high water mark.

But, when rewatching the movie, I noticed that when Dorothy says that line to Scarecrow, she leans in and softly says the line in his ear. In other words, she actually meant for that comment to be a secret. Sure she picked favorites, but at least she didn’t tell them that. Apparently, I’m the asshole for bad mouthing her for the last three decades. Sorry Dorothy.

She’s still dead though. As are the Scarecrow and Toto and everyone else.

And speaking of dead Toto…

Toto Absolutely Should Have Been Put Down

The conflict in the beginning of the film revolves around one of the big land owners in this area of Kansas trying to have Toto destroyed because he keeps on coming into her yard and causing damage.

Booooooooo! What an evil woman! Booooooooo!

But wait. When Dorothy whines about this to her parents, one of the family farm hands, Hunk, suggests that Dorothy not walk by the woman’s house on her way home from school. Walk by her house? What? I bet there are less than 20 people in a 10 mile radius of Dorothy’s house, which I assume is itself 30 miles away from her school. Despite this fact she regularly decides to walk Toto by the one house belonging to the one person who has asked that she not allow Toto to come into her yard. It sounds like the land owner gave Dorothy fair warning of the consequences. I think she has a right to make good on her promise when Dorothy, yet again, walked Toto by her house and allowed him to chase her cat and BITE her on the leg. Dorothy freely admits that Toto bit the woman on the leg and chased her cat. Yet, she still feels like she can whine to everyone and then run away when they say she isnt responsible enough to have a dog. I know the woman is a greedy land baron, but what the hell is she supposed to do? I’m a dog lover, but that little dog is a menace to the community.

I take it back, Dorothy is a bitch.


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