The Only Five People I Could Beat in a Fair Fight

By: Jacob Lewis

I recently overheard a conversation between two men at a Starbucks. One of them was talking about mixed martial arts, his proficiency in it and how he was pretty sure that in a fair fight he could win against anyone. In response, the other guy asked him to name five people that, no matter how hard he tried, he wouldn’t be able to take down. I knew the answer to this question (MechaGodzilla, Predator, Gozer, Judge Doom and Jabber-Jaw), but the first guy listed off five names I didn’t recognize. The other guy nodded in agreement and likely out of respect for his humility.

There must have been multiple answers to the question.

A few minutes later they left, probably to go…I don’t know…I don’t know what people like that do during the day.

The conversation got me thinking, how would I answer that question? I thought about all the people in my life, all the way down to my four year old daughter, and determined that each would probably win in a fair fight. I began to go down the lawyer rout, and considered the definition of the word fair (as in me getting an axe), but soon decided to go about the question a different way. I determined it would be easier to answer the opposite of that question; who are the five people I knew I could fight, and win. While answering even that took a lot of mental energy, I came up with the following:

Topher Grace

I came up with Topher Grace in about 5 seconds. Why Topher Grace? Is it because he played a nerd on That 70s Show? Is it because even when he tries to play an imposing person (Predators, Spiderman 3) he just feels like he’s playing the nerd on That 70s Show? No, it’s because Topher Grace is the free square in the “people you can beat up” bingo game of modern life. Everyone gets to put him on their list. Even Topher Grace. He wouldn’t even be worth mentioning if I could have thought of a fifth person; but I couldn’t, so here he is.

Everyone else took a little longer.

Usher Raymond

This one’s a little more personal. I know nothing about the singer Usher Raymond (except, for some reason, his last name). I can’t name a single one of his songs. I don’t know anything about his life, both private and publicized. The only thing I know about him is the following.

I was working at Lions Gate Entertainment when they were producing the Usher star vehicle “In the Mix.” The only joy I ever experienced working at that job came every three weeks when the downstairs cafeteria served buffalo chicken wraps. This was no small thing. To this day, I believe they are the greatest thing I’ve ever tasted.

One day, towards the end of my tenure there, I was in the process of skipping my way to the cafeteria. I knew it was buffalo chicken wrap day; I charted the event with the scientific precision usually reserved for finding planets revolving around distant stars. Right before I got to the back of the lunch line a man zipped in front of me. I remained in good cheer, for how could I not, it was buffalo chicken wrap day. However, when it was my turn to order I was told that the man in front of me had purchased the last one.

In that moment, my appetite, good humor and belief in a kind and benevolent god disappeared. I sulked away to a table where a friend of mine was eating. I told him my sad story and pointed to the usurper who had stolen my beautiful wrap. My friend looked the person over and said, “hey, isn’t that Usher?”

To this day, I don’t know if it really was Usher. It’s possible. It’s also possible my friend just assumed all African American men were Usher, or maybe he was just referring to another Usher. Regardless, I now hate Usher Raymond with a fire that still burns bright over a decade later. If we ever meet, that fire will burn his world and melt his soul to ash. Would I win in a fight? You betting fucking believe I will. Vengeance is a dish best served wrapped in a flour tortilla and stuffed with zesty breaded chicken.

Peter [Last Name Unknown]

My favorite class in College was Modern American History. Sure it had about 700 people in it, but the professor made each lecture into a grand production that combined everything that was good about the old History Channel programs. Also, my small section was taught by a Grad Student, who was a flamboyantly gay ex-army ranger and, for lack of a better description, just the god damn bees knees at his job.

The only problem was Peter.

Peter was the piece of shit guy in my small section who just wouldn’t shut up. He insulted everyone else’s opinions, made terrible jokes, and always found ways to bring up unrelated subjects when we should have been talking about World War II and Nazis (this the exact opposite of my strategy to interject those subjects into every conversation). He ruined what would have otherwise been a perfect class. Does this mean that the same fury I would use to smite down Usher would also be directed at him? No, it doesn’t. As annoying as Peter was he never actually took food from my mouth. Plus, I have a lot of people who have ruined similar things I enjoy that fill me with equal, and sometimes even more, hurricanes of hate.

Why is Peter different? Well, unlike the other people on my enemies list, Peter had a degenerative disease, was about 4 feet tall, and was confined to a wheelchair.

In the end, this one was more a pragmatic choice than emotional.

Michelle Rodriguez

“Michelle Rodriguez?” you ask, “Come now Jacob, we’ve all seen you. More importantly, you’ve seen you. You wouldn’t last 10 second against Michelle Rodriguez unless she was asleep and you had all the guns. Besides, what did Michelle Rodriguez ever do to you?”

Truthfully, I have nothing but respect for Michelle Rodriguez. I like her as an actress (that scene at the end of Girl Fight where she gets punched hard and gives the, I’m gonna kill you now look to the camera, is one of the most bad ass looks in film history) and yes, on first glance, she could probably kill me so fast that my life flashing before my eyes probably wouldn’t get beyond the second grade.

However, there is one concept you didn’t consider when making your hurtful comments. It’s the same concept that comes into play when matter and antimatter, two substances which are inversions of each other, collide. That is, total annihilation of both. I won’t go into detail with my analysis, but trust me when I say that Michelle Rodriguez is my polar opposite. We are complete inversions of each other. Where she is strong, I am weak. Where she is weak, I am ever so slightly less weak. As such, if our fists ever collided, or more likely her fist and my groin, it would send out a shock wave through space and time that would pulverize us both, and everything else. It’s true. Look it up and pray we never meet.

“But wait” you say, “the result is both of you being annihilated, doesn’t that mean it’s a tie?” Technically yes, but I’m going to count it as a win because Michelle Rodriguez would probably consider not winning in a fight against me as a loss.

All Children Four Years Old and Younger

This is more of a cognizable group than a specific person. I know I already mentioned I couldn’t beat my four year old daughter in a fight. That being said, I’m pretty sure I could beat up any other four year old kid, and probably younger ones too. At the very least I could take down the two kids in the above stock photo. I was considering upping the bar to five year olds, but the odds start getting a little iffy there, and this was about people I knew I could beat in a fight. So if you know any four year olds, just insert their name here.

A bit overly confident Jacob?

Maybe, but if any four year old wants to put this to the test, they know where to find me. Plus, they don’t even know what a fair fight is, which means Mr. Axe may finally be in play.

So there you have it. These four people and all children within that group should watch out. Everyone else, just leave me alone please.

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