The American Healthcare Act: Zombie Invasions, Alternate Universes and Other Unseen Benefits

By: Jacob Lewis

On May 4, 2017 the Republican controlled House of Representatives voted to pass the American Health Care Act, which repealed most of President Obama’s Affordable Care Act. For many Americans, the Act’s tax cuts for the rich, elimination of protections regarding certain preexisting conditions and the ability to charge seniors more for healthcare seemed like a perfect example of the rich and influential 1% in this country putting their boot on the throat of the other 99%. However, rather than join in the doom and gloom of the left, I decided to remain optimistic about this new development. Obama’s Affordable Healthcare Act certainly wasn’t perfect so why should everyone expect the Republican’s plan to be any better.

As such, I put aside my bias and focused on finding the scenarios where the benefits of the American Healthcare Act will be able to surpass the Affordable Healthcare Act. What I found surprised me and changed my opinion on the whole issue. This article is written in the hope that it will do the same for you.

We’re More Likely to Survive a Zombie Invasion

The Left has always ignored the possibility of a zombie invasion, especially when drafting their healthcare legislation. As a result, in the event that there is no more room in hell and the dead begin to walk the earth, the Affordable Care Act would be grossly counterproductive to our resistance against the undead. If Obamacare remained in place we would have a populace that had greater access to affordable health care, which, during the rising of the dead, would result in healthier zombies. Remember the fast zombies from the Dawn of the Dead Remake, the sprinting rage infected zombies from 28 Days Later and the Zombie tidal waves from World War Z and Train to Busan? All of those films might as well be a reflection of America under the Affordable Care Act.

Thank you Obama, but I’ll take the sickly, meandering and spread out zombies of the original Night of the Living Dead. And that, my friends, is what you’ll get under the American Healthcare Act. No access to affordable healthcare equals a bunch of sickly, fat or otherwise disease ravaged bodies, ineffectively trying to chase down and devour the slightly healthier living. Moreover, with the American Healthcare Act in place, we are going to get at least a few more people dying earlier than they would if they had access to affordable healthcare. This means, less zombies when the infection spreads.

Also, anyone who has ever seen a zombie movie knows there are two things that screw up an effective resistance to the undead hordes. The first, is the person who gets bit and then hides it, only to become a zombie later and attack everyone else. While the American Healthcare Act doesn’t take this scenario into consideration, we’ll wait and see what the Republican controlled Senate does with the bill.

The second is the person who see their loved ones turned into zombies and decides to keep them locked in nearby apartment buildings, barns or other enclosed areas in the hope that someone will find a cure. Unfortunately, the zombies always break out and always eat everyone. Most of us know that zombies are beyond curing because they are undead, with the dead part being the operative word. With the American Healthcare Act stripping away most of the protections regarding preexisting conditions, I can’t imagine death isn’t on their list. Death isn’t just a preexisting conditions, it’s the first preexisting condition. The moment we are born in this world we are diagnosed with a terminal case of mortality. If you think that’s far-fetched, look at the lists of excluded preexisting conditions and tell me that death doesn’t even crack the top ten of the most unreasonable.

With the knowledge that death will not be covered by healthcare, the cost to cure a human being will be astronomical. Be advised, we aren’t just talking the cost of administering a cure, we’re talking about multiple surgeries from wounds, replacing missing limbs, not to mention years of physical and emotional therapy. All of it expensive, and none of it covered by insurance. Family members with husbands, wives, daughters and sons infected and transformed by the undead plague will have to seriously consider the cost of the medical treatments that would be needed to cure them. While I can imagine some people will still attempt to secret away their infected loved ones, a lot of people are going to be unwilling to mortgage the family home to cure Grandma when she has already eaten the family cat, two neighbors and is missing half her torso. The result, less opportunity for unexpected swarms of zombies to overwhelm survivors.

Thank you Republicans for increasing our chances of surviving the zombie apocalypse.

It takes into Consideration the Possibility of Everybody Winning the Lottery at Once

The Affordable Care Act never really addressed what would happen if everyone in the country becomes millionaires at the same time by winning the lottery. This lack of foresight is somewhat understandable. The chances of any one person winning the lottery is astronomical, thereby making the chance of everyone winning the lottery nigh impossible, and the price would be split a couple hundred million ways making the prize somewhere around $1 each. However, understandable doesn’t mean forgivable and there can be no debate that the Democrats never prepared for this specific event occurring.

If this occurred, everyone would be rich and the cost of healthcare would be the least of their concerns. They would have access to the best doctors, premium care, quality drugs and the best spare hobo parts on the market. The only healthcare concern facing the American population would be which of their many personal gold plated helicopters they would take to their annual check-up. Everything would be paradise on Earth…that is until they saw their tax statements. “What’s this?” the collective population of the United States would say in unison “what are these taxes I have to pay?” After performing some light internet research they would realize that these taxes were meant to subsidize healthcare premiums for the poor. Of course, nobody is poor anymore. But that won’t stop Uncle Sam from dipping his greedy hands into our new diamond studded pockets. The American Healthcare Act, these taxes have been preemptively removed and the American people no need to worry about Government waste once everyone becomes wealthy.

Thank you Republicans for protecting our assets in the event we all become rich at the same time!

The Country Can Finally Shed its Addiction to Medicine

The left has been arguing for decades that we need to curtail our country’s dependence on foreign oil, but has not once commented on our countries addiction to medicine. Now, I want to be clear, when I say medicine I don’t mean drugs and western concepts of healthcare. I mean medicine like in healing things, making things better and pretty much the entire concept of the discipline since the dawn of time. Make no mistake, we’ve all gotten a good long run out of making people healthier, curing diseases and treating illnesses, but it’s become a quagmire of expenses and regulations that this country can no longer afford. Maybe it’s time we all try just being sick for a while and see what comes of that. Much like taxes on cigarettes, the American Healthcare Act has upped the cost on this habit, and will allow the population to break its addiction to getting better.

Thank you Republican’s for finally giving us an alternative to getting better!

It Will Help Develop Alternatives to the Healthcare Industry

Similar to the above, one of the problems with the healthcare industry is that there is no competition with the industry itself. What’s the alternative to healthcare you ask? When you break your smart phone you don’t take it to a repair shop, you just buy another one. Why can’t it be the same way with our bodies?

This isn’t a new concept. We’ve always talked about putting Hitler’s brain in a giant robot, putting Hitler’s brain in a guerrilla, putting Hitler’s brain in a giant shark, putting Hitler’s brain in a Brazilian child, putting Hitler’s brain in a normal size shark, putting Hitler’s brain into all sorts of wondrous things. What if we all stopped talking about it and made it a reality, but not just with Hitler’s brain, but brains other than Hitler’s.

The only thing standing in the way of this is the fact that most consider it easier to just fix a medical problem rather than put their brain in something else.  Well, now that isn’t an issue anymore. With healthcare prices rising it’s suddenly looking a lot more cost effective to simply get a new body than to heal your existing one. For example, a major heart operation could cost $80,000. Alternatively, you can get a perfectly good Saint Bernard for a fraction of that price that I bet you would be perfectly happy in.

Even the if you have some sort of moral objection to putting your brain into an animal, robot or vagrant, don’t worry. Your antiquated sense of morality isn’t going to keep you from joining this party because the American Healthcare Act still works in your favor. With this new industry competing with healthcare, the costs are going to become a lot more competitive. Will a health insurance company really want to charge an old man five times a normal yearly premium when they know he can have his consciousness transported into the body of a polar bear for half that cost? Essentially, the American Healthcare Act has created the possibility of a future that includes cheap healthcare and non-Hitler brained (hopefully) cyborgs and talking animals.

Thank you Republicans for giving us the possibility of paradise.

It Will Make Alternate Versions of Our Country Better

We’ve all had some fun with the above scenarios. Zombie invasions; Lotteries; Hittler Robots; What a hoot! However, this scenario is a little more realistic than the above, so please put your serious pants on.

Many have suspected since the November presidential election that this world, and reality as we know it, are in the “Mirror Mirror” universe. For those of you not as scientifically knowledgeable as the rest of us, the Mirror Mirror universe is the alternate reality in Star Trek where everything is morally the opposite. Good guys are all evil goatee’d versions of themselves. Organizations that strive for peace and unity are now tyrants and conquerors. If you don’t believe this theory, think back to how you felt after Trump won the presidency. I can’t imagine anyone perturbed by that event who didn’t at least have a moment where they thought, “This isn’t the guy who’s supposed to win. This is the guy who is supposed to lose and a couple decades from now a  bunch of hacky science fiction writers are supposed to write alternative history stories about what would have happened if he had won.”

Again, what the left has ignored, is that if we are in the Mirror Mirror universe, there must be another reality out there where Trump was never elected and universal healthcare continues to be available for all Americans. If we, the residents of evil goatee universe, still had universal healthcare, then that would mean that it was evil, which it wasn’t, which is why we have the American Healthcare Act instead. Our burden of shouldering the American Healthcare Act has allowed an entire reality to experience affordable healthcare. Do you follow?

Of course you do.

As such, we should all be happy that the American Healthcare Act, when you add the American population of the other far less evil reality, results in 50% of us having good and affordable healthcare. I know some people who read this might feel upset that the other reality is benefiting from this at our expense, but they must remember that we’re evil reflections of a much better universe, so it was never in the cards for us. Also, be happy for someone else for a change you selfish ass-hats.

Thank you Republicans for making a parallel reality a much better place than our own.

After reading this, I think a lot of people who have been calling, texting and faxing their representatives nonstop since last week are going to feel a little foolish. Just remember, that there is nothing that a big plate of cookies and a nice hug won’t cure. This isn’t just a folksy saying, this is actually what the American Healthcare Act recommends as an alternative to many expensive medical solutions.

With that, I’ll end this article by saying, “Thank you Republicans.” I finally understand what you were getting at with all this.

Check out our other posts for more topical commentary on the important things facing all Americans in this day and age (Editor’s Note: The rest of the posts are just a bunch of insane ramblings about Batman, the Wizard of Oz and things that annoyed the Author)(Author’s Note: You know what, you can die and go to hell. That stuff’s important.).

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